So I decided that I need a new blog for my new normal…yes there is a new normal for me…my new normal is my world where getting pregnant, staying pregnant and having a baby is not easy…I have to deal with the loss of our daughter and how to use the knowledge gained to help anyone else that can be in our situation…I am taking someones advice and the new blog will not be about specifics…it will be about my life, my love and my loss…I thought that now my blog should be about the whole me…I am more than just infertility and pregnancy…I think right now I will focus on what is on my mind but my life is more than that…I know I am going to get through this really difficult time..this blog was a way of chronicling my pregnancy with Olivia and its sooo hard to see the pictures of me pregnant…I will never ever forget her but its just heart breaking to know that I am not carrying her right now like I should and I dont want to delete those photos since I feel like I would be dishonoring her memory since she will forever be our first child…our beloved daughter forever…I loved being pregnant with her and wont forget the special bond that I developed with her…so if you are interested in following my journey this is the new blog:
I hope that for those that did follow me would like to continue reading about our journey and I know that one day we will have our happy ending…
I dont know what I should do…I am battling the thoughts of how to handle my emotions and if/when I should blog again…should I continue with this blog? Should I go back to my infertility blog? This blog was supposed to be about our pregnancy and how we overcame infertility and now I am back to where I started…oh wait its 1000x worse….we experienced the joys of actually being pregnant but I have nothing to show for it other than the awful pain and heartache…I miss my daughter every day and I wish I had not failed her…yes I feel like a complete and utter failure…she was perfect but it was my fucking body that could not keep her safe…what kind of mother am I…I cannot even protect her like I should…maybe I was not meant to be a mother…it seems like the odds are against us…we need IVF to conceive and now I cannot keep a pregnancy…if this was 50 yrs ago we wouldnt even be having this conversation we would just be a childless couple…is this natures way of saying your not meant to be parents??? I hate feeling like this and I know my husband loves me no matter what but how could he love me when I dont even love me??? Maybe I need another blog…something that wont be dedicated to a particular subject like pregnancy or ivf or anything…I am really confused about what to do…the pain is so immense…I can start crying at any moment…I was putting away my maternity clothes and I started crying…writing this blog entry makes me cry…I try to keep it in cause nobody understands the pain I am going thru…I try to distract myself with things but anything can set me off…I just want the pain to stop but I know there is nothing that will do that…the pain is here and I just have to deal with it everyday…I hope it becomes more manageable as time goes on but that is my hope…who knows when or if the pain will stop anytime soon…time will tell
It was our ignorance for believing that all pregnancies led to a healthy baby. It was my arrogance for believing that since I had the best medical care, took prenatal vitamins even before and during my pregnancy, never took drugs, never smoked cigarettes and never drank, that our baby would be safe. We wanted her and longed for her so badly that it physically hurt.
Hope taught me how it is to feel a mother’s love. It is the sweetest love of all. Someday, we will try again because we have known the joy of creating and carrying a life. The gift of carrying a miracle child is worth the risk of pain.
I didnt think I would ever have to write this post but sadly I am…I was too afraid to come on here since this blog was about achieving all our hopes & dreams when we conceived our daughter..I am in tears as I write this as no mother should ever have to go thru this type of pain…
I dont know when I will come back and post again but my journey is not over yet…we will have our miracle baby!!!