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PAIN!!!

I dont know what I should do…I am battling the thoughts of how to handle my emotions and if/when I should blog again…should I continue with this blog? Should I go back to my infertility blog?  This blog was supposed to be about our pregnancy and how we overcame infertility and now I am back to where I started…oh wait its 1000x worse….we experienced the joys of actually being pregnant but I have nothing to show for it other than the awful pain and heartache…I miss my daughter every day and I wish I had not failed her…yes I feel like a complete and utter failure…she was perfect but it was my fucking body that could not keep her safe…what kind of mother am I…I cannot even protect her like I should…maybe I was not meant to be a mother…it seems like the odds are against us…we need IVF to conceive and now I cannot keep a pregnancy…if this was 50 yrs ago we wouldnt even be having this conversation we would just be a childless couple…is this natures way of saying your not meant to be parents???  I hate feeling like this and I know my husband loves me no matter what but how could he love me when I dont even love me???  Maybe I need another blog…something that wont be dedicated to a particular subject like pregnancy or ivf or anything…I am really confused about what to do…the pain is so immense…I can start crying at any moment…I was putting away my maternity clothes and I started crying…writing this blog entry makes me cry…I try to keep it in cause nobody understands the pain I am going thru…I try to distract myself with things but anything can set me off…I just want the pain to stop but I know there is nothing that will do that…the pain is here and I just have to deal with it everyday…I hope it becomes more manageable as time goes on but that is my hope…who knows when or if the pain will stop anytime soon…time will tell

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11 thoughts on “PAIN!!!

  1. My heart is breaking for you!! I know there is nothing I can say that will make you feel better but know you are not a failure!! Your little girl will always be in your heart and you will have your miracle baby one day. Hang in there sweetie, you are in my thoughts always!

  2. I’m so sorry that you are going through this. Is writing on this blog or your other blog helpful or do you think it will be helpful in the future? If so then I would continue writing. You know that there is a community that will be here for you.

    Take care of yourself.

  3. Here from LFCA. I am so very sorry for your loss. I hate that nothing I can say will make this any easier for you, but I did want to say that there is no wrong way to grieve such a loss. Please try to be kind to yourself and let yourself feel whatever you need to feel at any given moment. You are stronger than it feels like right now. We abide with you.

  4. I have been there, that wondering if you should keep going, that fear that because things are happening like normal that already fate is against you. In the early days, it is so hard to do anything but blame yourself- but you didnt do anything wrong. Nothing. This wasnt your fault.

    I buried 3 babies due to my IC before a TVC got me to 27w with our twins. IT was a very long NICU road, but thankfully they are well (my daughter is typical, my son has autism, they are now 3 and a half). We decided to have a TAC placed, just in case we ever got pregnant again, and they have an excellent record of getting IC women to term. I’m actually 18w4d now with a surpise (nonART) pregnancy, and this is the only normal pregnancy I’ve ever had. I’d be happy to share the name of the doc who did the procedure and more details if you want (not all OBs do the TAC and some who do require you to have multiple losses).

  5. I’m so very sorry, Cindy. I’m hurting with you. Grieve, grieve as much, as long and as hard as you need to. When/If you are ready, blog again (wherever you choose. Why not have one blog total to follow your entire journey, TTC/IF/pregnancy/life?), we’ll still be here with you.
    I understand the feelings of your own body failing you and feeling like being a failure and it sucks!
    *big big hugs*

  6. You will heal. It takes time. Something that helped me a lot was finding a support group. A lot of hospitals have support groups for people who have lost pregnancies and infants. I would absolutely look into something like this. Talking to people who understand is immensely helpful. You already speak the same language of pain.

    Also, this was incredibly helpful for me to read. I hope it helps you in some way too: http://therumpus.net/2010/07/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-44-how-you-get-unstuck/

  7. I want to give you a huge hug and just hold you while you let it all out. The pain you’re going through and your loss is unfathomable. My heart breaks for you and I am keeping you in my prayers (I’ve actually started praying through all of this).

  8. I have been following both your blogs and I am so sorry for your loss! Let yourself grieve and dont keep it inside! This was not your fault! Nature can be cruel! And when you get pregnant again you will get all the help you need in order to keep the little one in there! You are in my thoughts!

  9. I’m so sorry, and I know that is not enough. I lost my twins in December because my body couldn’t handle it. My water broke at 20 w and I held out until a major bleed just before 27 weeks. Neither my ruptured or unruptured twin made it. Please know if you ever need to talk, I am here.

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